Thursday, October 7, 2010

That Marriage Thang

I've been thinking lately about the whole marriage thang. I am currently teetering on the edge of 30 years old and not married. I don't have any thing against marriage, nor was it ever part of my "life plan" to be nearly 30 and unmarried.

Actually, I believe my life plan went something like: graduate college with bachelors degree at 21, meet guy, fall in love, marry at 23, buy house, have horses, live fairy tale. May or may not have included kids, I don't remember. Never been much of a fan of them.

Instead of that, life has gone more like this...go to community college. Meet guy some where in there. Buy car and horse that you need to continue working to pay for. Work 2 part time jobs, go to night classes, still a full time student. Take a little time off from school. Go back. Finally get AA after 4 1/2 years. Never make it to "real college". Get engaged to guy because we've been together for 3 years and that's what you do. Besides, I'm almost 23 and that's when I'm supposed to be married. Break up with guy after a month of being engaged. Date some more. Pass 23rd birthday, which is when you were supposed to be married. Buy yourself a truck and horse trailer to cheer yourself up. Continue living with parents. Date some more. Finally meet boy of my dreams. Move out of parents house into house with boy of my dreams after 2 years of being together. You're 25 by then. Talk about getting married. Buy house together instead. Talk about getting married some more. Buy new tractor instead. Buy new horse trailer. Buy new horse. etc. etc. etc. And now, here I am, owning a house, truck and horse trailer with boy of my dreams, firmly cemented in this relationship, possibly more then if we had that piece of paper telling us we're legally married. But we're still not married. Technically.

I've never been one of those people that thinks it's "just a piece of paper". Ever. I've never NOT wanted to be married. I certainly never expected to be here and not married. But life has a funny way of carrying on and changing priorities. I'm happy. We are happy. We love our life. Neither of us has any thing against marriage. No previous marriages, no baggage with parents surrounding the idea of marriage. We do plan to get married, just haven't done it yet.

It is strange to me when people that I haven't seen in a while ask if I'm still with the same guy. We bought a house together. We are in it for life, just as much as any of my married friends. Does not having that piece of paper making it legal or rings on our fingers make our relationship not as committed?

Every once in a while I get the wedding bug, but it usually passes fairly quickly. It's just not a priority. I refuse to go to Vegas. Just not my style. I'm not opposed to a court house wedding, but I want to include my family and friends. That means doing the whole wedding thang which requires planning and time and money and that is probably the main hold up. There are other things I'd rather do with that time and money. We own and show horses. 'Nuff said. lol Besides, why mess up a good thing?

And so here I am, almost 30 years old (OMG!!!), been together with the Boyfriend for nearly 6 years, and I have the whole fairy tale life I had envisioned (mostly anyways, there is always the crappy real life stuff that comes up, like work), with every thing I hoped for. Except that little piece of paper.

I know at least a couple of my bloggy buddies have been with their bf's for quite a while and are not married. It's not uncommon. And this isn't a rant or anything, I'm just really curious about this. Why? Was it a choice to not get married? Was it something that just happened, like me? Why is that "piece of paper" so important? Or so important to avoid?

It's a very curious phenomenon.

To me at least.


Paint Girl said...

Ah, a very good topic to discuss!! You are totally right up my alley.
You probably know that I have been with my OH for 15 years now, and we are NOT married. Yes, I use to really want to be married, but not because of the piece of "paper", but because it was always a dream of mine too. I am 37 yrs old, never been married, and love my OH to death. We have never broken up, nor will we ever. We are in it for the long haul. So why aren't we married?
Well, he has serious "marriage" fears. Seriously. He thinks every marriage ends in divorce and the minute you get married everything falls apart. His parents were divorced when he was really young and I really believe that it has scarred him for life.
I don't know if we will ever get married, and if we do, it most likely won't be an actual wedding with guests and food etc, too scary for him. I couldn't do the Vegas thing either. Courthouse? Yes. I don't say much too him about the marriage thing anymore, but our friends and family do. Every now and than I tell him that I am starting to get gray hair, and I would really like to be married before I have a full head of gray hair. He just smiles at me. Hmmm....
So, I am not opposed to not getting married, I would love to be someday, and if it happens it happens, if not, then oh well.
Great topic, one I have almost blogged about but felt it might be too personal.

Anonymous said...

Hi baby! Had a great time at dinner last night, so fun to have Sarah too! Love that girl. She is so special.Your dinner was awesome! Great job all around. Love your home too.
You worked 3 jobs at one time to meet those bills, remember? Ugh! Anyhoo...the bottom line is tradition. It is a ceremony of joining spirits. Where it is official by friends & family & GOD to witness & cellebrate your official commitment in union.
For me, it still needs to be. Before 30!!! Or no later than 30! Make it a small celebration if need be. Simple, but warm & special. It's a moment you deserve. Pretty dress, flowers, cake, Justins eyes deep into your eyes as generations have enjoyed. I even watch on Ch 9 in Africa, or jungle people...One family trades a fat pig for the bride. Thank God we don't do that.
Anyhoo, no $ needed, we are on!!! My promise still stands, start planning....right now for GODS sake. I love you to bitz baby!!! Set the date.....YOUR MOM

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Oddly, I never cared if I married or not. I was with My Honey for eight years before we got married last Christmas. It was a big deal to him, not so much to me. We did do the Vegas thing.

However...there are distinct advantages to actually legalizing the whole thing. Some of that depends on your state. Not all states recognize common-law marriages and in the event of a (heaven forbid) accident or death, you or your BF may not even have the right to make decisions about how to handle your business. If one of you becomes incapacitated, the other may not be able to make decisions about your healthcare.

While no one should ever think about marriage as 'just a piece of paper', that piece of paper gives you a lot of rights and responsibility.

Cathy M. said...

Hi. I'm just bouncing around today and looking at different blogs. Yours kinda caught my attention;so, I thought I'd chime in with my little two cents. I think, God ordained the marriage union for the benefit of the husband and the wife; also to provide a more stable environment for raising children. As for the choice thing? At any given moment, we always do those things that we want to do the most. When you wanna get hitched, I reckon you will. Best wishes!